THE “NO” THAT BOTHERS

by ELEONORA SARTORI

We can’t take it anymore, it’s a slaughter. It is not harpoons that hit us, but the hands of those who claim to love us, to love us. Violence against women has reached such levels that more than one person has come to say that we should not talk about it anymore, at least in the media, that continuing to fill the schedules with femicides could in some way even generate emulation. Others continue to deny the phenomenon and trace violent actions back to the more generic case of murder. I find that both considerations are an unconscious manifestation of fear, because it is easier to hide or mystify, albeit unconsciously, than to accept the bitter truth: violence against women is not predictable, it does not concern a particular category of women who suffer it or men who act it. Having no ethnicity, social class, or age, it can affect everyone and this annihilates us.

And no, it cannot be part of the cauldron of murders because, as Michela Murgia wrote well: Saying murder only tells us that someone is dead. Saying femicide also tells us why.

So, why? Try asking Chat GPT and you’ll be stunned. Artificial intelligence rattles off some of the main causes.

Patriarchal culture and domination: patriarchal society teaches men from an early age that they must control, dominate, possess. Women’s rejection and independence are not perceived as rights, but as personal affronts.

If you are not with me, you will never be with anyone else.

Emotional fragility and lack of affective education: many men have not been educated to manage emotions. Anger, pain, a sense of abandonment lead to violence, because they do not know how to give a name to what they feel, nor, consequently, express it.

If you leave me, I’ll ruin you.

Toxic models of masculinity: the strong man, according to the mainstream narrative, is the one who must never ask. He is dominant, indifferent, insensitive, vindictive. In the absence of equally popular alterative models, empathy, vulnerability, listening are synonymous with weakness.

Don’t cry like a sissy.

Fear of female power: women who emancipate themselves, shine with their own light, say no, frighten. In some men there is a blind anger towards what they can no longer control.

Without me, you are worth nothing.

In summary, many men do not hate women but what women awaken in them: a sense of inadequacy, loss of control, frustration of not being the first and not being enough. Instead of looking inside themselves, they destroy what is outside.

Is there a quick and one-size-fits-all solution? No, there is a slower but very radical transformation that must take place on several levels, which must necessarily involve girls as well.

On an inner and individual level, it is necessary to educate about emotion from an early age: to give a name to emotions.

Loving does not involve doing evil.

Dissolve the link between love and possession: a new idea of sentimental relationship is more necessary than ever, based on freedom and not on possession.

If he doesn’t let you go out with his friends, it’s not because he loves you and wants you just for him.

Inner work and, in some cases, therapy: it takes courage to look inside yourself and deconstruct toxic beliefs. For some men and women, starting a path of personal growth can really be a revolutionary act.

He just left me, he didn’t humiliate me.

I can be alone, I don’t need a man to shine.

On a cultural and educational level, however, it is necessary to convey a different collective imagination, a new masculinity must be told: vulnerable, empathetic, powerful yes but not dominant.

It is urgent to introduce education Affective in schools: from kindergarten onwards we must talk about emotions, respect, boundaries and consensus. And yes, even sex.

The path of transformation, which is not a struggle but a daily task, is not a women’s issue. Women and men must take the floor, take sides and network.

And finally, spiritually, it must be acknowledged that the world is changing. Feminine energy is emerging strongly, even within men.

Men, you no longer have to save the world alone! Isn’t this a sigh of relief?

It’s women and having to help men. No, women are not Red Cross nurses, nor therefore responsible for the healing of men, but they can be A bridge of awareness first of all towards one’s children.

What?

Remaining intact in her truth: a woman who does not adapt to be accepted, who does not keep silent so as not to bother, who does not step aside so as not to belittle him is already a bridge of awareness, remaining herself, is already an example of another way, the one in which love is not dependence, but freedom.

Being a mirror, not crutches, much less a mother.

It’s not your job to stay to save it.

Transmitting a new way of relating, showing that vulnerability is synonymous with strength and not weakness, that feeling is power.

Saying no as an act of collective love.

The “no” that bothers is often the first step in the transformation that society needs.